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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24185173">bridge</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/splashstar/pseuds/splashstar'>splashstar</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Paradise Nostalgic [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Vocaloid</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Background Character Death, Background Relationships, Character Death, Flashbacks, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Bullying, M/M, Panic Attacks, Secrets, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Trauma, headcanon heavy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 23:54:56</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,172</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24185173</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/splashstar/pseuds/splashstar</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“I <em>know</em> it’s hard. I <em>know</em> what that feels like.”</p><p>“<em>You</em> weren’t the one who got to watch him fall off a fucking <em>roof</em>,” Gakupo snapped, “so don’t even <em>tell</em> me you know how I feel.”</p><p>--au/hc fusion; kiyoteru keeps reliving the same nightmare.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hiyama Kiyoteru/Kamui Gakupo, Kagamine Len/Kaito (implied)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Paradise Nostalgic [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1747237</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>bridge</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Under the most unfortunate circumstance possible, Gakupo knew what had happened before anyone else.</p><p>Kaito was good at keeping secrets. He was so good at it that even <em>Len</em>--who had probably become despondent at the realization of <em>who</em> had just left his life--hadn’t found the note in his room until it was too late. No one knew he had been planning to jump from the roof until Gakupo went up there of his own volition and saw Kaito taking his shoes off at the edge.</p><p>The attempt at stopping him was fruitless.</p><p>The news spread quickly, and it certainly didn’t help the intense guilt that burdened him.</p><p>You had only fought with him once after it happened.</p><p>“I <em>know</em> it’s hard. I <em>know</em> what that feels like.”</p><p>“<em>You</em> weren’t the one who got to watch him fall off a fucking <em>roof</em>,” Gakupo snapped, “so don’t even <em>tell</em> me you know how I feel.”</p><p>Memories resurfaced from the back of your mind: a day in late fall, when you were still in high school and you had to cross that bridge to get home.</p><p>The boy you saw was in your class, but no one really talked to him. You had seen him sitting on the railing of the wooden bridge that you crossed everyday--the bridge that usually only ever brought news of <em>grief</em> and <em>sorrow</em> and <em>broken families</em>--and you knew exactly what he planned to do.</p><p>You had reached out to him, telling him you could help him, but your attempt at stopping him was fruitless.</p><p>The whole town heard about it, but Miki was the only one you trusted with the details.</p><p>When you met with her the next morning, she had a small vase of white chrysanthemums with her. She knew that you didn’t have the opportunity to get any without having to get past your dad and your older siblings (who had no knowledge of your involvement since you didn’t even <em>tell</em> them until a few days after the fact), and that you would have felt more guilty than you already did if you hadn’t done anything at all.</p><p>The two of you had arrived in the classroom before anyone else. The boy’s desk in the very back of the room was covered in insults and death threats written in black marker, and a knot formed in the pit of your stomach at the sight of it. This had been happening <em>right behind you</em> this whole time, and you didn’t even <em>notice</em>. Miki had insisted on cleaning it up instead of you, letting you sit down at another desk so you didn’t have to see it any longer than you already did, lest you get another panic attack worse than the one you had the night you watched the boy fall.</p><p>--And again.</p><p>Years later, you bore witness to one of your own <em>students</em> opening a window in one of the classrooms after school, taking his shoes off as the sun began to set along the horizon.</p><p>You found yourself doing the exact same thing you did last time, offering help, hoping, <em>praying</em> that this time the boy would actually take your hand and step off the window sill.</p><p>You had managed to save Piko then, but just barely--you hated to think of the alternative.</p><p>--And <em>again</em>.</p><p>One of your closest friends since Kyo, Yuu, and Wil introduced him to you in college.</p><p>
  <em>Kaito.</em>
</p><p>The logician in you knew you had no fault in this, but the altruist begged to differ. You couldn’t even <em>be</em> there for him, and you questioned whether or not you could even consider yourself to have been a friend of his at <em>all</em>.</p><p>“You have no <em>clue</em>,” you breathed.</p><p>Silence followed. Suddenly, reality hit you again.</p><p>“You’re hiding something from me again, Kiyo.”</p><p>You opened your eyes, unable to remember when you had closed them in the first place. Your head hung down, shoulders shaking, your fists balled up in front of you on the table. All at once, you noticed your heart pounding in your chest, beads of sweat dribbling down your temples, and any attempt at taking deep breaths to slow your system down only served to make the pain worse.</p><p>“I thought we promised not to keep any more secrets.”</p><p>“I’m sorry,” you choked out.</p><p>You vaguely felt Gakupo’s hand on top of yours.</p><p>“Kiyo--”</p><p>“<em>I’m sorry--</em>”</p><p>“Look at me, Kiyo.”</p><p>You swallowed, your breath hitching, before you managed to pull your gaze up. Gakupo’s expression, mirroring his tone of voice, had softened, and you could detect the concern in his indigo eyes even through the blurriness of your vision.</p><p>Gakupo sighed. “Let’s just...talk this out properly, okay? Just breathe.”</p><p>Again, you took deep, shaky breaths, removing your clouded glasses from your face and setting them down on the table. You pressed your fist to your forehead, shutting your eyes again. Your body finally began to catch up with you, and you found your tongue.</p><p>“It keeps <em>happening</em>, Gakupo,” you whispered despairingly. “Everyone around me keeps trying to <em>kill</em> themselves and I’m so <em>sick</em> of it.”</p><p>“I know, sweetheart.”</p><p>“I tell the students all the time how much I care about them because I don’t want to go <em>through</em> that again, and I don’t want <em>them</em> to experience anything like that either, but it happens <em>anyway</em>, and at this point, I don’t even know how much they <em>listen</em> to me anymore when I <em>say</em> it.”</p><p>“I’m sure they know.”</p><p>“I <em>know</em> you feel guilty about what happened, and I’m <em>sorry</em>. You didn’t deserve to go through that, and neither did Kaito.”</p><p>“...No one does.”</p><p>Gakupo breathed out again, staying silent in thought as you continued to calm yourself down, the burdens in your mind becoming lighter. Your own breathing slowly began to even out, and your heartbeat eventually followed suit and fell into a softer rhythm.</p><p>“That includes <em>you</em>, Kiyo,” he finally spoke, finishing his thought. “I understand if you don’t want to go into detail right now, but...you should have at least said something about it from the start. Maybe then, we...wouldn’t have fought at all.”</p><p>“I know.” You paused, and glanced up at him in your position. “...You probably still would’ve yelled at me anyway, though.”</p><p>“I see <em>someone’s</em> feeling a bit better,” Gakupo mused quietly with a slight smirk, discerning whatever bit of your occasional snarkiness you were able to muster. “You’re <em>probably</em> not wrong, but you wound me all the same.”</p><p>You managed a weak smile, and realization surfaced in your mind. “I should have done this a long time ago,” you sighed, relief evident in your voice.</p><p>“<em>Yes</em>. You <em>should’ve</em>. I wholeheartedly agree.”</p><p>Another silence, save the sounds of your gentle breathing.</p><p>You’d been through too much.</p><p>“...This isn’t about me, though.” You uncurled your fingers and put your hand down on top of Gakupo’s. “You still have something you haven’t told me about, either.”</p><p>Gakupo hesitated, staring down at your hand. He took a deep breath. “...Right.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>h...i haven't written a vocaloid fic in a while...i don't think i've ever written over 1000 words in one go before either lmao...</p><p>this was supposed to be part of an au i made in like 2018 that mainly focused on kiyoteru and yuki but had bg gakukiyo in it, but then i mixed in my regular kiyoteru headcanons into this (failing to save one of his classmates from jumping off a bridge in high school + had it almost happen to him again as a high school teacher + miki being his best friend since childhood + kiyoteru having an older sister/brother + kiyoteru being prone to panic attacks + ice mountain consisting of kiyoteru and the zola project guys in their college days + gakukiyo promising not to keep any secrets after they had a really rough start of keeping negative feelings/thoughts to themselves) and it just became,,, this</p><p>also the main insp for the au itself was a kaito song called gokuraku nostalgic by mazop, so kaito dying was also a big part of that au just due to it being a huge catalyst for everything else that happens afterwards but tbh it's been so long that i'm not actually sure why.....</p></blockquote></div></div>
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